rest eternal grant onto him o lord, and let light perpetual shine upon him.

Last week I witnessed death for the first time and there are no words to actually describe what that was like.  I went to the hospital in the morning, not realizing what my day would hold and so completely unprepared in every single way -including the very practical not having a bible or prayer book, let alone oil or holy water in my purse.  I sat and prayed with my parishioner and his wife.  I sat with his wife and talked about marriage and life.  we sat for an hour listening to his breathing and quietly talking.  When her daughter came and asked if I had holy water and if I had said last rites I left to go to the church to pick up the 'supplies' I should have had with me in the first place.  When I got in the car I phoned another priest (with more experience than me) and asked what on earth I was supposed to do. Should I wait all day? leave? hover in the hospital but not in the room? 15 minutes later I was back in the hospital but while I was gone he had died. When I got back in the room there was a busyness I was unprepared for.  Although he had already died we prayed together the prayers at the time of death, I anointed him with oil and then I sat.  For 3 hours, while the family gathered my job was to sit with my parishioner.  To make sure he was not alone while the phone calls that needed to be made were made, and while his life in the hospital was packed up. The family needed someone with him but they could not do it themselves.  As family members would come I would talk with them, or back away. hug. cry. swallow gulps of air. but mostly I sat. and prayed a bit. but mostly just sat. When they were ready we made a plan to meet the next day and then after they left and I waited for the funeral home people to arrive (still, so that he would not be alone) the nurses came in and prepared him to be moved.  This was the hardest part of the day.  I did not want to sit in the room while they did their  job.  until then he had still seemed like himself but suddenly he was no longer there.  and I had to turn away.

Strangely all day long I thought to myself, "I'm surprised how calm I am. wow, I am really calm."  but then I got home and cried in Scott's arms and watched my baby sleep and breathe.  I was not as calm as I had thought.

As far as death goes, this was as good as it can get, I know, but that does not make it any easier.  death is never easy -even when its expected. 

Monday was the funeral and over 500 people showed up to pay their respects and offer their support.  It was a mild day for January and that made things a bit easier somehow.  

and now its Wednesday night and i'm still exhausted, reeling from what it means to be a priest and realizing again the weight of my work. but, at least i'm not a nurse -i think that must be one of the hardest jobs on earth.